I loved it, Kate. The viewing of my mother was not a particularly fun experience to say the least (you're right about the lips...), but your essay brought up some of the good memories as well!
Nick, I’m relieved. I hesitated sharing the essay with you when you’re going through such a difficult time — and am glad it resonated with you. Thank you for reading!
No worries, very glad to. Humour is an essential part of my processing - I remember the first time a friend of mine asked me how my parents were after my mum had passed, but hadn't heard yet. "I said dad's ok, but my mum's been better..." she didn't appreciate the joke when I told her the punchline!
I've learned through the process of multiple recent sadnesses, that dark humour hits even better when I can also access the sincere expression of grief. That way I know I'm not repressing or deflecting when I'm laughing - it's just a funny joke.
What a super piece! We got my father out of hospital so he could die at home. It was much less protracted for him, and I was visiting as much as possible rather than a primary caregiver, but you capture so well how precious but also exhausting that stage is. I wasn't there when he died and when I went to see his body, which had not yet been "tidied up" by the undertaker, I too thought of that scene describing the death of Falstaff.
At my mother-in-law’s viewing, her daughters were laughing over the purple nail polish and heavy makeup the undertaker had used on a woman who barely liked lipstick. You’ve captured the reality of dying and the exhausting work of caring for loved ones in their final years, months, days. It’s all hard, we love so poorly, and yet what a privilege to be able to love and serve at such a time. Thank you for this beautiful love story.
Another beautifully written piece that balances, with honesty, the complexity of grief and loss with the hope of Heaven. Cannot wait for the next one! XX, Katie
Caregiving is so brutally hard and also weirdly comical in spots, isn’t it ? Kate, you beautifully depicted how both you and your MIL came to know the grace of God more deeply in her final years. I’m so glad she lived her final days in your home surrounded by family (despite how hard that was in the midst of global upheaval generally). Thank you for calling this post to my attention. My condolences to your family on your loss. We never stop grieving our mothers, I’m told, but grieving with hope in Christ really does comfort. One day closer to resurrection!
Hi Kate. It’s 4:00 a m the day after your MIL’s birthday. I woke up and couldn’t settle back down so I just read your essay for the second time. Thank you for the honesty, the humor, the message of hope you provided here. I love your writing. In everything I’ve read, I feel as if I’m standing beside you. I look forward to what will come next!
Careen, what a meaningful compliment for you to give me. There is nothing that could give me greater satisfaction with my writing than for it to provide encouragement and to lift up a friend. Thank you for letting me know.
Kate, I just saw this story linked in your most recent one (Perfect) and realized you had published it the day after my father's death. I really enjoyed reading your account - there was much that I could relate to in your struggles to show love and kindness through Adrienne's last days, in particular when there was no end in sight. In the past three years we have experienced the deaths of my mother-in-law (in our home) and both of my parents (in a nursing home in Orlando). In all three cases, the deaths were both long-expected, yet sudden at the same time. Thank you for being so transparent in your writings.
Elizabeth, that's so much suffering in too short a time! I'm sorry for your losses. What a trial! Thank you for reading and telling me about your own experience. It's so good to hear from you.
Kate: What a beautiful, authentic and surprisingly funny piece of work. You have done a masterful job of capturing such a difficult and complex time in life; while also fully embracing the real humans that make this story ring so true and powerfully resonant to others. I didn't think it was going to happen, even though the word "comedy" was in the title (not to mention "mother-in-law") but I truly laughed out loud at more than one moment from the story in your head happening in tandem with the story in reality. Brilliant! And if anyone knows you and/or Adrienne, the thought of you hastening her life is truly a tragicomedy! You are a very gifted & inspiring writer and much thanks for sharing such a deeply personal and complicated time with such vulnerability, grace, wisdom & humor. I will take many things away from this narrative & imagine Adrienne is smiling beautifully – for just how right you got it.
Kate, this is Karen. I love all the writings but especially the one about Adrienne. Brought back some delightful memories. I tried to call you but you must have a new number. If it’s okay I would like the new number so I can keep in touch. Tell everyone hello. In Christ, Karen
What a movingly, evisceratingly honest account of a situation so many of us experience in similar circumstances. The clarity of your writing is perfectly complementary to your insights, interpretation, and investigation of the final challenge -- how to sustain faith, patience, stamina, and love while coping with a loved one's exchange with the approach of the ultimate mystery. Your story grapples truthfully with what one expects of oneself in the most idealized sense while daily navigating the day-to-day realities that can simultaneously sap and inspire. Beautifully done -- particularly as you allowed your mother-in-law and yourself to be depicted as complex, sometimes contradictory human beings rather than abstract lifeless symbols.
Lisa, I am overjoyed that you liked it! Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and letting me know. You were among those who knew her best, so I’m delighted the story spoke to you.
Many of us have gone through this series of episodes—for me, not yet with an in-law, but with my own mother. There’s a peculiar relationship between a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law and you verbalized it with complete honesty and awkwardness! The read was raw with edges softened by unsteady humor, and I related to every single bit of it—even down to the similar disease that unfairly robbed quality of life from our loved ones. Thank you for sharing this important story and your talent for relaying it.
Thanks for this essay/story!! My mother moved in with us last fall. She isn’t hard to take care of at this point but if I allow myself to think that it could be 10 years I almost feel like crying!! On a positive note I have 7 siblings that are on board to come stay with her if we want to travel. Thanks so much for your perspective!!!💕
This is brilliant work Kate! It made me laugh, cry and rejoice and has lingered in my mind for days. You captured with humor and honesty the struggles of those caregiving for family members. I expect this essay to have impact far and wide.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading this—you are a true absolute pro, mixing laughs with death with then the clear gospel. Your writing is so inspiring! (and you are truly the world’s best daughter in law too, even if she never actually told you that!)
Thank you, Julia! You saw me struggle with my heart of darkness in real time – thank you for walking through it with me! Something very sweet: I heard from so many of her friends how Adrienne would brag about what a good daughter-in-law I was and how grateful she was for me. It was kind of her to keep the myth of my goodness alive. ;)
I loved it, Kate. The viewing of my mother was not a particularly fun experience to say the least (you're right about the lips...), but your essay brought up some of the good memories as well!
Nick, I’m relieved. I hesitated sharing the essay with you when you’re going through such a difficult time — and am glad it resonated with you. Thank you for reading!
No worries, very glad to. Humour is an essential part of my processing - I remember the first time a friend of mine asked me how my parents were after my mum had passed, but hadn't heard yet. "I said dad's ok, but my mum's been better..." she didn't appreciate the joke when I told her the punchline!
Dark sense of humor required
I've learned through the process of multiple recent sadnesses, that dark humour hits even better when I can also access the sincere expression of grief. That way I know I'm not repressing or deflecting when I'm laughing - it's just a funny joke.
The laughs are evidence that we do not grieve as others grieve. We can laugh because there’s hope.
What a super piece! We got my father out of hospital so he could die at home. It was much less protracted for him, and I was visiting as much as possible rather than a primary caregiver, but you capture so well how precious but also exhausting that stage is. I wasn't there when he died and when I went to see his body, which had not yet been "tidied up" by the undertaker, I too thought of that scene describing the death of Falstaff.
Wow, Victoria. Shakespeare intrudes at the most poignant moments. Thanks for telling me.
At my mother-in-law’s viewing, her daughters were laughing over the purple nail polish and heavy makeup the undertaker had used on a woman who barely liked lipstick. You’ve captured the reality of dying and the exhausting work of caring for loved ones in their final years, months, days. It’s all hard, we love so poorly, and yet what a privilege to be able to love and serve at such a time. Thank you for this beautiful love story.
Thank you for your encouragement, Charlie!
Another beautifully written piece that balances, with honesty, the complexity of grief and loss with the hope of Heaven. Cannot wait for the next one! XX, Katie
Thank you, Katie! Really appreciate your taking the time.
What an emotionally complex, multi faceted, story. Nicely told and lavish with simple detail. Looking forward to more. SF
Steve, thank you!
Caregiving is so brutally hard and also weirdly comical in spots, isn’t it ? Kate, you beautifully depicted how both you and your MIL came to know the grace of God more deeply in her final years. I’m so glad she lived her final days in your home surrounded by family (despite how hard that was in the midst of global upheaval generally). Thank you for calling this post to my attention. My condolences to your family on your loss. We never stop grieving our mothers, I’m told, but grieving with hope in Christ really does comfort. One day closer to resurrection!
Amen! Thank you for reading and commenting, Christina.
Hi Kate. It’s 4:00 a m the day after your MIL’s birthday. I woke up and couldn’t settle back down so I just read your essay for the second time. Thank you for the honesty, the humor, the message of hope you provided here. I love your writing. In everything I’ve read, I feel as if I’m standing beside you. I look forward to what will come next!
Careen, what a meaningful compliment for you to give me. There is nothing that could give me greater satisfaction with my writing than for it to provide encouragement and to lift up a friend. Thank you for letting me know.
Kate, I just saw this story linked in your most recent one (Perfect) and realized you had published it the day after my father's death. I really enjoyed reading your account - there was much that I could relate to in your struggles to show love and kindness through Adrienne's last days, in particular when there was no end in sight. In the past three years we have experienced the deaths of my mother-in-law (in our home) and both of my parents (in a nursing home in Orlando). In all three cases, the deaths were both long-expected, yet sudden at the same time. Thank you for being so transparent in your writings.
Elizabeth, that's so much suffering in too short a time! I'm sorry for your losses. What a trial! Thank you for reading and telling me about your own experience. It's so good to hear from you.
Kate: What a beautiful, authentic and surprisingly funny piece of work. You have done a masterful job of capturing such a difficult and complex time in life; while also fully embracing the real humans that make this story ring so true and powerfully resonant to others. I didn't think it was going to happen, even though the word "comedy" was in the title (not to mention "mother-in-law") but I truly laughed out loud at more than one moment from the story in your head happening in tandem with the story in reality. Brilliant! And if anyone knows you and/or Adrienne, the thought of you hastening her life is truly a tragicomedy! You are a very gifted & inspiring writer and much thanks for sharing such a deeply personal and complicated time with such vulnerability, grace, wisdom & humor. I will take many things away from this narrative & imagine Adrienne is smiling beautifully – for just how right you got it.
Kathy, your encouragement means the world to me as you are such a gifted storyteller yourself and you loved Adrienne deeply. Thank you so much!
Kate, this is Karen. I love all the writings but especially the one about Adrienne. Brought back some delightful memories. I tried to call you but you must have a new number. If it’s okay I would like the new number so I can keep in touch. Tell everyone hello. In Christ, Karen
What a movingly, evisceratingly honest account of a situation so many of us experience in similar circumstances. The clarity of your writing is perfectly complementary to your insights, interpretation, and investigation of the final challenge -- how to sustain faith, patience, stamina, and love while coping with a loved one's exchange with the approach of the ultimate mystery. Your story grapples truthfully with what one expects of oneself in the most idealized sense while daily navigating the day-to-day realities that can simultaneously sap and inspire. Beautifully done -- particularly as you allowed your mother-in-law and yourself to be depicted as complex, sometimes contradictory human beings rather than abstract lifeless symbols.
Bo, thank you for this heartfelt endorsement. I’m so encouraged by you!
Kate, your story is so well written and so insightful. Enjoyed every word and the ending was just perfect!
Lisa, I am overjoyed that you liked it! Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and letting me know. You were among those who knew her best, so I’m delighted the story spoke to you.
Many of us have gone through this series of episodes—for me, not yet with an in-law, but with my own mother. There’s a peculiar relationship between a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law and you verbalized it with complete honesty and awkwardness! The read was raw with edges softened by unsteady humor, and I related to every single bit of it—even down to the similar disease that unfairly robbed quality of life from our loved ones. Thank you for sharing this important story and your talent for relaying it.
Thank you, Steve! I am grateful this story spoke to you. Thank you for taking the time to read and encourage me.
Thanks for this essay/story!! My mother moved in with us last fall. She isn’t hard to take care of at this point but if I allow myself to think that it could be 10 years I almost feel like crying!! On a positive note I have 7 siblings that are on board to come stay with her if we want to travel. Thanks so much for your perspective!!!💕
Denise! You are a brave and loving daughter! How wonderful to have seven siblings who are ready to support you. I know they’re grateful for you!
This is brilliant work Kate! It made me laugh, cry and rejoice and has lingered in my mind for days. You captured with humor and honesty the struggles of those caregiving for family members. I expect this essay to have impact far and wide.
Aunt Johnetta, your words mean so much to me! You have spent a lifetime caring for others — I am so honored that my essay touched you.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading this—you are a true absolute pro, mixing laughs with death with then the clear gospel. Your writing is so inspiring! (and you are truly the world’s best daughter in law too, even if she never actually told you that!)
Thank you, Julia! You saw me struggle with my heart of darkness in real time – thank you for walking through it with me! Something very sweet: I heard from so many of her friends how Adrienne would brag about what a good daughter-in-law I was and how grateful she was for me. It was kind of her to keep the myth of my goodness alive. ;)